balancing what I want with what I need

A few years ago, I found my perfect job.

Amazing students on a beautiful campus. Two hours from home. Someday maybe it would be home, or so I thought. But that didn’t happen even after three years. The longer I waited the more I realized it would likely never happen.

The exhausting effort of maintaining two homes and all the weekly driving have left me ragged. So I’m giving up this wonderful job for a different wonderful job, near home. I miss my husband. Living apart during the work week has worn me down so I will sacrifice the best job I’ve ever had and limp home, deeply sad but a little relieved. And I’ll start another job on another campus that I will love.

Goodbyes hurt. I’d rather sneak away than face the friends and students I’m abandoning. I feel selfish. I’m not accustomed to making decisions for myself. Alas, in my heart I know for a plethora of twisted reasons that this is the right decision. I’ve survived painful decisions before. I can do it again.

sticky fiction

It only took a month to write the first draft of the screenplay of my novel INFINITY LINE. Seven years to write the novel, one month to convert to screenplay. Crazy math.

My vivid insight of the characters (because I birthed them) helped me quickly mine the complex story into scenes. It starts with Lorelei, an angry and unethical chemist in 2070, intent on fixing monumental societal problems beyond the scope of a single person. She sets up the actual story, so she only gets 10% of the script. Flash forward a few centuries and Alex, Maya, Daniel, and Aida take over for what at first seems to be the end of Lorelei’s quest, but is actually the beginning of a new mess: humans survived self-extinction by sacrificing their humanity.

It’s a web of unfixable messes with characters who try anyway. The essence of humanity. In a dystopian society devoid of humanity. It’s complicated.

I’m old and I pay attention. I feel both the daily struggles of individuals and the common challenges of being one of almost 8 billion humans on a small rock in a small galaxy. Ours is a crowded rock. Our rock has sacrificed its carbon-filtering trees and ecological diversity to infinite consumption to produce more and more mass in the human form who must all fight for finite resources to sustain their mass. Unsustainable math.

Themes come from annoying disregard of logic.

We so often hurt each other without intent. A good friend faced conflict, reacted with emotion, reflected on it all and came out stronger. She did not become a bully. She did not belittle others. She merely grew stronger, wiser, with a new tool in her arsenal for the next conflict. Such humans give me hope. We can fix our problems, but there will always be new problems to tackle. Unless we don’t try. When we give up trying and hoping and working together, we will lose it all. Everything. Gone.

Fictional characters emerge from the love and support of some humans scrambled over high heat with the regrettable behavior of other humans.

The themes and characters in INFINITY LINE ought not be taken literally. Fiction is fantasy with just enough reality to make it sticky. It worms its way into your psyche and keeps you worrying, caring, and ready to take action. Even if your action is the opposite of the path taken by the fictional characters, at least you weren’t merely morphing into a couch cushion with your neck bent over a screen while the world ended.

I’m revising this screenplay because not enough of you have read the novel, yet. I can’t just sit here and hope you read the book. Maybe you’re waiting for the movie.

[Note to my favorite actors: read the book and call me if there’s a part you’d like to play.]

Nothing going on, but here’s a stupid story about an egg

Nothing going on, but here’s a stupid story about an egg

Entropy is disorder and cannot be tolerated. We wash dishes and stack them away. We hide dirty ones in the dishwasher. We fold clothes. We make the bed. We hide messes in drawers. We sweep up crumbs. We plan and schedule our time, to gain a sense of control in the unending battle with entropy–all while the universe snickers.

On a lovely summer day filled with boat rides, music, ice cream, cooking, company, dishes, cleaning, listening, waiting, working, insomnia and guilt, I boiled an egg and lost it.

I remember putting it in the fridge. I think. I’d made potato salad and kept back two cooked eggs from the five I boiled; I ate one right away (warm and delicious) and I saved the other for later. I plotted a time theft, to steal back 13 minutes the next time I wanted an egg and say “Ha!” to the snickering universe with her relentless tick-tocking pendulum.

The next day I looked for my egg.

It was gone.

Into the void, where I could almost hear the black hole grinning.


Update: 10 hours after I yelled “Where’s my EGG?” into the void, it yelled back “I ATE it!”

Oh, and the universe’s name is Jim.


Tweezers, timers, and old tech

Some weeks gravity wins and I drop things or fall down. Other weeks the universe exerts its entropic force and I lose things. Well, gravity has given me a reprieve from falls–I’ve not broken a glass or tripped up the stairs in months–but entropy has reared her head.

Any self-respecting self-grooming eyebrow-plucker can understand my panic when my tweezers disappeared. It seems wiry eyebrows know when it’s safe to emerge like weeds in a field. The tweezers vanished on the same day my kitchen timer did. I looked and looked and swore and looked. I remembered years ago when I lost those bras (sorry, I cannot find the old post anywhere), and the time my sister lost her glasses in the ocean, see that old post here)! Then I gave up when I remembered I also lost my mp3 player the week before. (An mp3 player is an old-fashioned iPod, which is an old-fashioned smartphone, which is an old-fashioned phone, used to play music into ear buds that runners wear.)

Like tragedies that come in trios, so do my lost items. Once I lose three, they usually show up. So I told my woeful tale to anyone who would listen; I texted my daughter a thousand miles away and asked her to look for my mp3 player; and I waited.

The universe chuckled up the mp3 player first, when my four-year-old granddaughter found the little thing on the floor of the van. The universe also released the memory of me dumping my purse on the floor of the van two days in a row–once to find sunscreen at the park, and once to find granola bars for hungry kids in the parking garage at the airport. (Yes, I did take four children under the age of 8 to the airport to meet their Poppi. The terminal was under construction so we rode three escalators and an elevator to arrive back on our original level to locate the greeting space. Another story, but funnier if captured on video.)

Once the mp3 player was found, the tweezers peeked out of the bottom of the bathroom drawer where I had searched for them a dozen times. (Someone must have put them there, but only two of us live here so it was likely me. Hmm.)

Now I’m waiting for the timer. It’s probably in a suitcase, or the oven, or under the couch, or the pocket of a sweatshirt. Come on universe, cough it up.

Laura’s Notes on The Mueller Report

Reading assignments can make the most avid reader cringe. Like in a book club with a deadline when you must read a novel (that you don’t really like) all the way through in a week. Or like when you promise to read for a fellow author to pay back for when they read for you. Or like when you were in middle school and had to read a chapter a night of a novel that you hated, but later loved as an adult when you could read it because you wanted to do so.

Or like right now: when the entire country is sad and mad and scared due to the successful hacking of our sacred electoral system, and a collective morbid dread makes us certain that the executive branch knew about the hacking and covered it up, and when nine-tenths of the story is finally revealed and it is like a 400-page novel and everyone is talking about it and arguing, and you can’t even join the conversation because you have not read it, but then you learn that senators and “presidents” haven’t read it either, and you don’t know who to blame or what is specifically causing your flaming anger. Yeah, like that.

This is a case where you should not listen to what anyone tells you until you read it for yourself. Armed with your own logical analysis, you can join the conversation. Let me do two things for you: First, I’ll give you my notes of the Report because I did read it. Second, I’ll bet you a buck my notes so intrigue you that you will read the report for yourself AND then take the day (or week) off from work to watch Mueller’s testimony about his diligent and extensive investigations.

Let’s get to it.

Volume I

In Volume I (of II) the Special Counsel outlines his investigation into the Russian conspiracy to influence the outcome of the 2016 presidential election.

Overview: Russia sought all chances to interfere in the election, and the campaign was open and eager for contact.

Russia conducted a coordinated and targeted campaign to sway the 2016 election. The Internet Research Agency (IRA) used social media accounts including Facebook and Twitter to manipulate voters. They organized political rallies, and targeted and recruited Americans to do their work. Campaign Officials promoted IRA materials and had connections to the rallies instigated by the IRA.

Russia (GRU) hacked the Clinton Campaign and the Democratic National Convention network, where documents were stolen. Such stolen information was disseminated by DCLeaks and Guccifer 2.0, and WikiLeaks with targets to oppose Clinton.

Russia (GRU) coordinated cyber operations and gained access to voter registration databases. They received polling data regarding states with tight races like Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania (all won by less that 1% margins, with 46 total Electoral Votes–enough to swing the election).

The Trump Campaign had extensive interactions with Russia: DJT Jr interacted with WikiLeaks. Trump Tower Moscow letter of intent was signed during the campaign. Cohen and his boss were invited to Russia. Papadopoulos sought contact with Russia and learned of Russian “dirt” on Clinton. Trump Tower meeting June 9, 2016 was attended or known about by everyone (Trump, Kushner, Bannon, Junior).

Republican National Convention Platform changed a provision for armed support of Ukraine to sound less critical of Russia’s ongoing military aggression–all  due to the campaign’s effort to “improve relations with Russia.” (Puppet?)

Other multiple contacts with Ambassador Kislyak by many campaign officials like Sessions, Gordon, Page, Prince, Cohen, Papadopoulos, Flynn. Extensive connections to Russia by Manafort, Rick Gates.

In the end, the only way “no collusion” (no conspiracy) can be the final judgement is if the campaign was

  1. too stupid to know what was going on
  2. too guilty of other crimes to acknowledge the crimes commited before them
  3. ambivalent and self-focused (just don’t care about any thing, any country, any moral cause, any one)–only concern was to win and to make more money.

In any or all of these three cases, the candidate is unfit for the office of President of the United States of America.

Volume II

In Volume II (of II) the Special Counsel outlines his investigation into obstruction of justice during the investigation about the Russian conspiracy to sway the outcome of the presidential election.

Baseline Question: If you didn’t commit a crime, why would you interfere with the investigation?

Overview: The extent of obstruction of justice is overwhelming in scope and detail.

There were lies about Russian contacts during and after the election. Flynn discussed Russian sanctions with Russian Ambassador, and lied about it to everyone. When he was caught, he shared what he knew. The cover-up within the White House reached K.T. McFarland who refused to cooperate, and McGahn who also refused to cooperate. The pressure to lie (obstruct justice) was directed by the “President.”

[There was so much lying going on everywhere that it could only happen in D.C. If a novelist made up this stuff, readers would cry foul.]

Trump tried to stop the Special Counsel’s investigation (obstructed it) by trying to gain control of Comey and eventually firing him.

Trump tried to remove (obstruct justice) the Special Counsel after DT learned he was under investigation for obstructing justice in regard to firing Comey (where he obstructed justice). He admitted his own obstruction in a TV interview. Later he demanded that McGahn deny that Trump tried to fire the Special Counsel. What a mess of a web he spun to try to cover himself. When you tell so many lies, you forget the truth.

Trump demanded (obstructed justice) Session’s resignation, but was thwarted by McGahn in a feud to stop him from doing so, and by Lewandowski who refused to follow his orders. Trump abused Sessions in public on Twitter, and in NY Times interview.

Trump tried to cover up the June 9 meeting with Russians–he knew about the emails; he directed his communications staff not to publicly disclose information; he directed DJT Jr’s response about the inquiry.

I’m getting tired and numb to these crimes, so I’ll summarize the rest and then you can eagerly tackle your assigned reading: Trump obstructed justice in regard to Manafort, Flynn, Somebody Redacted, and Cohen. Cohen, who said he would “take a bullet” for his boss, eventually “flipped” although he was told by Trump’s goons that he was “loved” and “had friends in high places” if he just toed “the party line.” When Cohen burned down the party line, he and his family were threatened by the POTUS. Imagine it. This is the current state of affairs in the White House. In America. Our America.

Obstruction of justice and utter disregard for the sanctity of our democracy are clear. We have seen it constantly with this administration, and Mueller’s report spells it out in chronological order as we saw it all happen. As I read the report, my blood ran cold in realization that something quite like the mob is running our country, and perhaps publishing this little blog post could put me on their hit list. But wait, this group of con men are lower than the mob. And I’ve never been afraid; I’m an American and I have all the freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution and Bill of Rights. Why start now?

There is too much at stake to be silent. To not read what is out there. To bury your head and hope.

Here is the link to the searchable pdf of the redacted report. (You can keep your buck.)

Here are some quotes with page numbers to get you started–just in case you like to read long documents in your own order. Consider these quotes as Laura’s Reader’s Guide just in case you force your Book Club to read THE REDACTED MUELLER REPORT for their June book choice.

Volume I, p 37 “Military Unit 74455 is a related GRU unit with multiple departments that engaged in cyber operations…hacked computers belonging to state boards of elections, secretaries of state, and U.S. companies that supplied software and other technology related to the administration of U.S. elections.”

Volume I, p 51 “GRU sent spearphishing emails to … Florida county officials responsible for administering the 2016 U.S. election. … operation enabled the GRU to gain access to the network of at least one Florida county government.” [1.2% margin gave 29 electoral votes. Do the math.]

Volume I, pages 51-57 “D. Trump Campaign and the Dissemination of Hacked Materials
The Trump Campaign showed interest in WikiLeaks’s releases throughout the summer and fall of 2016.” REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. STAY TUNED FOR RELEASE OF PAGES 51-57.

Volume I, p 187 Expresses doubt that participants “had general knowledge that their conduct was unlawful…” or “were familiar with the foreign-contribution ban…” Are you kidding me? Since when is a legal defense to plead ignorance?

Volume II, p 2 (P 214) “…if we had confidence after a thorough investigation of the facts that the President clearly did not commit obstruction of justice, we would so state. Based on the facts and the applicable legal standards, however, we are unable to reach that judgment.”

Volume II, p 8 (P 220) “…Congress may apply the obstruction laws to the President’s corrupt exercise of the powers of office … no person is above the law.”

Volume II, p 14 (P 226) “…a witness’s false description of an encounter can imply consciousness of wrongdoing.” “well-settled principle that false exculpatory statements are evidence-often strong evidence-of guilt”).  Gotta love the language of lawyers.

Volume II p 78 (P 290) on May 17, 2017, when he learned of the appointment of a Special Counsel, DT  slumped back in his chair and said, “Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m f***ed.” And then, “How could you let this happen, Jeff?”

Volume II, p 88 (P 300) The parts about obstruction of justice where Mueller writes in the third person about DT trying to force people to fire him is surreal. You can’t make this s*** up.

Volume II, p 96 (P 308) “…in light of the [DT]’s frequent public attacks, Sessions prepared another resignation letter and for the rest of the year carried it with him in his pocket every time he went to the White House.”

Volume II, p 116 (P 328) The McGahn feud of late-2017 through early 2018: DT’s personal counsel and McGahn’s private counsel communicated behind the scenes while one [DT] insisted the other [McG] tell a lie and the other [McG] refused to lie. The role of BULLY/LIAR was typecast as usual.

Vol II, p 150 (P 362) Regarding the Trump Tower Moscow Project, in an interview, the liar-in-chief spoke in repetition, because if you lie twice, it might come true:

“I decided not to do the project… I decided ultimately not to do it.”

“There would have been nothing wrong if I did do it. If l did do it, there would have been nothing wrong.”

“It was an option that I decided not to do … I decided not to do it.”

Volume II, p 150 (P 362) “Even if [Cohen] was right, it doesn’t matter because I WAS ALLOWED TO DO WHATEVER I WANTED DURING THE CAMPAIGN.” Herein lies the heart of the story, the basic belief of the man running our country into the ground.

Volume II, p 157 (P 369) “Obstruction of justice can be motivated by a desire to protect non-criminal personal interests, to protect against investigations where underlying criminal liability falls into a gray area, or to avoid personal embarrassment.”

Volume II, p 158 (P 370) “The President’s efforts to influence the investigation were mostly unsuccessful, but that is largely because the persons who surrounded the President declined to carry out orders…” Note: “persons” included Comey, McGahn, Sessions, Lewandowski, McFarland, Dearborn, and more.

Volume II, p 159 (P 371) “… our analysis led us to CONCLUDE that the obstruction-of-justice statutes can validly prohibit a President’s corrupt efforts to use his official powers to curtail, end, or interfere with an investigation.”

Volume II, p 169 (P 381) “…we CONCLUDED that Congress can validly regulate the President’s exercise of official duties to prohibit actions motivated by a corrupt intent to obstruct justice.”

Volume II, p 170 (P 382) “Congress can permissibly criminalize certain obstructive conduct by the President, such as suborning perjury, intimidating witnesses…The Constitution does not authorize the President to engage in such conduct… the President’s duty [is] to ‘take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed.’ ”

It will take you a few days to read the whole report including the footnotes and appendices. Don’t read before bed or the nightmares will keep you awake all night. Early morning with strong coffee worked for me. When you finish, please share your perspective in the comments, or on your own website or social media. Ask other literate Americans to read it as well. Speak up–even if you disagree with me: this is still America where we are entitled to our own opinions.