Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t…oh, crap, there’s nobody around

It was seven in the morning and I was at least six states from home when I made my first bad decision of the day. I put on my sandals.

Ten minutes later, I made my second stupid decision. I took the bus to campus early so I could find some good coffee.

It all went downhill from there.

In the deserted student union, I found the coffee shop in the basement was closed. Crap. Have to go to the yucky cafeteria.

Two steps up, my toe caught. I tripped. Launched forward by the gravitational force from the center of the world.

I fought the strong force to protect my shin from smacking the step. My technique involved a twist of my upper body, some flailing arms, and a kick back and downward with my right foot.

Trying to connect with the step behind me.

The Ursula of stupid ideas.

Imagine it. (Maybe you won’t have to. Surely it’s posted online somewhere by now.) My right foot missed the step behind. My net force vector launched my free body to follow idiot leg.

Ankle which connects right leg to little foot took the fall. It twisted and turned like a spinning wheel on a coffee cart.

Many parts of me crashed into rails and walls and floors in the few seconds it took for my kinetic energy to convert back into potential energy on the floor below the staircase.

I sat on the floor, stunned. No bones protruded. My other owie parts didn’t even speak up while my ankle starred in the screaming nerve ending lead role.

No one came to help. After ten minutes, I found my sandals and limped up the stairs. Never did find any coffee.

The swelling was immediate but it continued to increase for the next 24 hours. It took me eleven hours to complete my campus obligations and wine tour activities. In the evening, at the hotel, the bag of ice felt wonderful all around the growing circumference of my ankle.

I made it home through three airports in ten hours the next day. Mike gave me his ace bandage. The swelling is going down and I’m only taking a couple Advils a day now.

It hurts a couple of orders of magnitude less than my whining might imply. I’m embarrassed by my spastic flight and will be mortified when it hits the big screen. Let me know when you see it.

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