Driving Lesson Part Two

When I was seventeen, I attempted to teach my older sister how to drive our father’s wide and long blue car. Yes, it was like a boat. No, I don’t have a clue what model the car was. In my memory it was blue and had a bench seat that didn’t adjust. My short legs couldn’t reach the pedals too well. I still drive with my big toe.

Anyway, sitting in the passenger seat with sister at the wheel was scary. Especially when she asked, “How do you tell which side of the road you’re on?”


I wasn’t really qualified to teach anyone how to drive. Although I am an incredible parallel-parker, I’m not the best driver. I do know the rules and laws of driving etiquette. My three decades in the driver’s seat have provided indisputable data to support this conclusion: 80% of the cars on the highway are doing it wrong. These untrained are called “left-lane hangers” (LLH).

LLHs say, “I’m going to pass them all eventually.”

LLHs say, “Nobody should be going faster than this anyway.”

LLHs say, “I don’t want to deal with cars merging in.”

Yeah. We get it. LLHs are lazy drivers.

slower traffic

The sign that says “SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT” is offensive to LLHs, and quite an impossibility for them, because they don’t want anyone to go faster than they are.

The sign that says “KEEP RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS” means nothing to LLHs because, in their minds, they are always passing.

Hey, LLHs, lighten up. Quit chasing the next car, riding up to their bumper, nudging them out of the way. Especially important: don’t speed up behind me when I’m in ‘your’ lane and actually in the act of passing a slower car in the right lane. Every time, when I move back to the slow loser right lane, you slow down. You didn’t need to go so fast–you weren’t in labor, on the way to the dentist, in need of a bathroom. No. You just wanted me out of your royal way. You wanted a clear view. You couldn’t stand to have anyone in front of you.

If I pointed out those shiny things on your car to you, you’d say, “Oh, wow, those things are mirrors? Really? I’m supposed to use them to see other cars? Why would I want to see other cars?”

I’m stumped. Why don’t traffic cops enforce this law?

How about this idea: let’s all try to drive like the truck drivers on the highway. They stay right except to pass. They are cognizant of other vehicles. They are good drivers.


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